learning to love myself

Well here goes. For the past few years i have been trying to overcome my battle with the bulge. Although i have a medical problem, i also have emotional problems which make me eat. I don't really think very highly of myself and i want to change that for the better.

Sometimes i just want to cry. But, no matter how hard i try, it doesnt want to come out. My experiences in my past have made my numb to the point where i cant express myself anymore. In the back of my mind, i dont feel valued. I feel that if i express myself that people arnt going to like me. The reality is that, what people think doenst matter. The only person i need to like is myself. If people dont like me because i express myself, then they are not true friends because true friends respect your feelings and opinions.

I have never had really "good" friends or anyone the influenced me in a positive way. I realise now that i haven't had any positive people because i don't really think very highly of myself. So as a result i attract negativity into my life.

Recently i met someone who made me realise something very important. Because i havent seen the positive things in myself i havent seen the positive things in others. I think the stems from my childhood. I grew up in a house where mental health was an issue amongst my parents. (i prefer to keep this private) I was always told as a child that i wasnt a valued person. Under the circumstances it wasnt my parents my fault and i dont know what i could have done to prevent it. However, i need to let go of the past in order to correct the future.

My problems werent just at home but at school as well. At school I was teased a lot and took a lot of what was said on board. I know there is reasearch to say how profound the effects of bullying are, well i am living proof. The research is true and very accurate.

However, i want to improve things and i have to start with myself. As i write this passage, i am coming to the realisation that there were positive things in my childhood. I just have to start acknowledging them.

The first thing i am going to do is acknowledge others and their efforts. I know people say that you must acknowledge the positives in yourself before you acknowledge others . Well i am going to do it in reverse. I am going to build others and build myself at the same time. I have made it my goal say something nice to someone everyday and I have started tonight. I told my mum that i appreciate everything she did for me as a child and i told my friend Tim that i appreciate his friendship. I told my friend Kylee that she looked cute in her picture that was featured in a RSL magazine recently.

Well here goes, this is the start of my journey. Hopefully this will result in me loving myself and being the person i want to be. Which is happy and healthy (which means also slim). I want to take care of my body and realise that i am a valued member of the human race. I also want to be unaffected by the actions or verbalisations of others. That one, is going to be the hardest one of all because i have let others control me my whole life. Its time to get me back.